2023

Dear 2023,

Hands down, you were the best year yet.

I would’ve never thought this year would play out the way it did, but damn am I grateful for it all.

You were full of surprises.

You proved to me that the answers to most of my problems could be found within.

You opened my eyes to see that happiness is a choice, and it’s all about perspective.

You told me to trust my intuition, and damn did it restore my trust in divine timing.

You reminded me that the opinion I have of myself is all that matters.

You encouraged me to take advantage of everything life has to offer, for I’m only this young once.

You forced me to stop watering what is dead.

You gave me a glimpse of what I can be if I continue to work on myself.

But most importantly, you brought me back to me.

2023, you will forever be the year I decided to choose myself.

Daydreamz

When I was little, I would dream of the day I found my person.

The person that knows me better than I know myself.

The person that loves me regardless of my shortcomings.

The person that would be there for me through the good and bad.

The person that would accept me for me, flaws and all.

The person that would essentially complete me.

Can you believe that? Me – a hopeless romantic.

But she’s shelled with insecurities and past traumas,

making it hard for her to open up easily.

But nonetheless, a romantic through and through.

All my life I’ve dreamt of the perfect man to do life with.

And though I know I still want all of that in a partner, the desire has shifted.

Shifted to make sure I’m all of those things for myself.

I know myself better than anyone else.

I love myself regardless of my shortcomings.

I am confident in my choices, and can be my own peace when times get hard.

I accept all parts of me, flaws and all.

I complete myself.

Can you believe that? Me – still a hopeless romantic.

I am becoming everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

Allysa: To The Girl I Once Was

Story 7 of 10. This Body Positivity series is a project I hold dear to my heart. For years, I’ve struggled with my body image, and since reviving this blog, LoveYourzStory, I’ve shared so many of my personal stories, internal battles, and insecurities. This time, I wanted to hear your stories. I took to social media and found 9 individuals who were willing to share their body positive journey with not only me, but my readers as well. I collaborated with two Bay Area photographers, Missdirected (Instagram: @missdirected.art) to photograph these amazing people. Missdirected did not photoshop / alter any of the models’ faces or bodies. These stories are entirely written by them and in their own words, because after all, who can tell their story better than them?” -Marinelle Cabillo, LoveYourzStory

This is Allysa’s story, edited by Marinelle Cabillo, LoveYourzStory:

“Dear Allysa,

I know you hate your body now, and you think you need to have a “perfect body” like you see all over social media. You also feel lost and stuck in your body because you just won’t accept it. You think about your body negatively, but that’s okay. You are going to realize that the “perfect body” comes in different shapes and sizes no matter how much you doubt yourself and the body you’re in. You are too focused on social media’s definition of a “perfect body,” and you keep asking yourself, “why can’t my body be like that.” You grew up thinking like that and it made you think that’s the only body type out there. You’re struggling with looking for clothes that fit you or what you’re comfortable in. You can’t get the clothes you want because you are afraid of what people think of you. You have to get oversized clothes to be comfortable because you don’t want people to make fun of your body.

The question is, “what is the definition of true beauty?” You’ll finally realize that “true beauty” comes in ALL shapes and sizes. Always keep that in mind because your body is beautiful just the way it is. 

Your current relationship with food is not the best. You binge eat every 1-2 hours because you are going through anxiety and depression, making you feel stressed out and confused. You think binge eating will help you get through all of the problems you are facing, but it won’t. You’re seeing your body and face changing because you binge eat. It’s to the point where you’re not comfortable taking pictures of yourself because you don’t like how you look. You’re too focused on what your body should be, even though you know it’s not good for you. You’re skipping some meals because you think it will help you lose weight, but it won’t help you mentally or emotionally. Even though food is good, you think you can’t control your eating habits. But the truth is you can control your eating habits if you believe in yourself. 

I know you’re going through countless mental breakdowns where you start to doubt yourself – from your body to your future. Your mental breakdowns have made a huge impact on your eating habits. 2018 will be the most traumatic year of your life because you are going to go through depression and anxiety. You will lose yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally. The real reason why you are going through mental breakdowns is because you are still grieving the death of your cousin, who you loved so much. You have a special bond with her & she inspires you to follow your dreams. She is still your light whenever you see her smile or her face. Right now, you can’t accept that she is gone and you feel empty inside because her presence is not with you anymore. But try to remember that she will always be watching over you and you’re doing everything you can to keep her spirit alive.

You just sit and cry when you want to be alone, and think that no one is going to help you. You say, “what am I going to do?” and think no one is going to understand what you’re going through. You keep blaming God for taking your cousin away so soon. But that’s not the case, you know your cousin fought for her life. She was strong & brave after all she had to go through. You’re not comfortable opening up about your mental breakdowns to anyone yet, that’s okay. But keeping your mental breakdowns to yourself is very unhealthy. You will realize that you can’t help yourself unless you have people helping and guiding you through it. 

You’re thinking about who you can talk to about your emotional breakdowns. You start to think of who you can trust that will help you, people that have always been there for you, even at your lowest. You’ll turn to your Godsister, Ezra, & your best friend, Janine, because they’re the only ones who have been there for you since the beginning. But how do you tell them? You need someone to be by your side through all of this. Once you reach out to them, they’ll completely uplift you. They tell you that they believe in you, which motivates you to be the best version of yourself. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t know where you’d be. After some time, you’ll finally have motivation and words of wisdom to finally realize that you are worth it and enough to be in this world.

2019 is the year that your life changes. That is the year you focus on yourself. You’ll finally accept who you truly are because you will learn that only you know the real you. So don’t put yourself down just because you don’t like how you look right now. You’ll finally find yourself by changing your eating and exercising habits. You start to journal, where you write about your day and all the things you like about yourself. You’ll start to portion out your food and drink more water. You’ll make working out a daily routine. Losing weight will make you proud of your hard work, it will boost up how you see your body, and you’ll gain confidence. The amazing thing is you did everything for yourself. You’ll start to believe that you are enough.

You’ll get back into dancing, and it’ll make you feel more confident. You’ve been dancing since 15 years old and your dream has always been to be a professional dancer. You stopped dancing at 19 years old because you didn’t like how you performed at a birthday event. Giving up dancing was hard for you because you loved it so much. Dance is how you expressed all of your feelings, but you felt like it was not going to take you anywhere in life. But how would you know? It’s okay to doubt yourself sometimes, but what’s not okay is quitting on yourself and what you love doing. If only you knew that right now, in the present day, you are pursing your dreams in becoming a professional dancer, and you’ll soon move to Los Angeles.

I want to apologize for how I treated you. I’m sorry for not believing in you. I’m sorry for the way I thought about our body- being too focused on what our body “should be,” not what it truly is. You are going to be so proud of the Allysa now, because you have come so far.” -Allysa

Father’s Day 2020

To this day, my parents still laugh and tell the stories of me in preschool. I was a half day kid, so I was only in preschool for a couple of hours. The preschool was in a center, and a lot of the parents, my dad included, would just chill on the sidelines near the exit and talk amongst each other until it was time to go home. I was 4, and I remember always taking glances to where the parents were because I always wanted to keep an eye out for my dad. I wanted to make sure he was always there, that I wasn’t alone. I could be having a lot of fun playing with friends or be distracted by toys, but the moment my dad wasn’t in view I would lose it.

My dad always describes the same events. How he would always see me trying to look for him. He remembers me always turning around to see if he was still there, and how I would cry when I couldn’t find him. One time he had to use the bathroom, so he went up to me and told me he’d be right back. He had to explain to me where he was going and for how long since every move he made I cried because I thought he was leaving. He told me over and over again that he was just going to the bathroom and he’d return shortly. According to my dad I agreed and went about playing.

“Not even one minute later,” my dad exaggerates, “I open the door, and you’re standing there crying!”

My parents tell the stories of me as a clingy preschool kid all the time. And how after preschool my dad would be holding my little sister in the carseat in one hand, and me clinging onto his leg on the other side as he dropped us off to my grandma’s house, “Mama’s House,” so he could go to work. These are vague memories that I remember, but for my dad, that time he was in the thick of being a dad to 3 young girls, 2 of which were under the age of 5.

Growing up my mom would always tell me and my sisters, “See! You should be grateful for your dad!” I didn’t really grasp that phrase completely until I grew up. Because as a kid, growing up with my dad, who off the bat, did everything and anything for our family, I thought nothing of it. It’s all we ever knew. But as I got older, I realized how good I actually have it. I realized that a lot of people don’t have a dad like mine.

In my family, we all have a short temper with each other. But at the end of the day we all got each other. That’s what my parents taught us, and my dad has shown us that time and time again. It doesn’t matter what happens or what was said, I know my dad would do anything for any of us in a heart beat. I think my dad’s one hell of a guy. And I’m not just saying that because he’s my dad.

He has been the example of what a man should be like. Not only as a man, but as a father as well. When I tell you my sisters and I are spoiled, I mean that shit and it’s high key embarrassing. Not in monetary value, but with acts of service. In my household, we don’t know how to be affectionate towards one another without making it a joke. It’s actually something we need to work on. But our love translates by how loyal we are when shit hits the fan, acts of service, and food. That’s how we show our love.

My mom always told us to choose the right guy, “like your dad.” Growing up we were like “EwWwWwW” because the thought of your significant other being like your parent is fuckin weird. But now, I look at my man and see the resemblance in his character. He reminds me of my dad. And that’s how I know I’m headed towards the right path. My dad has spoiled my sisters and I, that we have certain standards when looking for a partner. We’re not going to settle for a halfass kind of dude when our dad has set the bar of acts of service and loyalty to my mom and my sisters so high from the get. He’s always been by my mom’s side and has been there for our family through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Never budging, never running away from problems, never making excuses, but facing every problem head on. And being present for everything.

Growing up, my mom was the tough one and whatever she says goes. Period. But we would always sway our dad to try to change her mind. And if it was a hard “no,” from mom, it was most likely a “ugh. Ok ok” from dad. Whether that be “can we go to the mall?” “Can I change the channel?” “Can you drop me to my friends house?” “Can we get boba, I’ll pay!”

My dad is the most selfless, loyal, honest, and generous person I know. Even if he doesn’t have much for himself, he’ll still try to give to someone if he knows that they have it worse than him. When we would be waiting in the car for one of my sister’s at BART, he’ll literally get out of the car to give a homeless person some crackers. He’s just that kind of dude. He’s not rich, but he’ll give someone the last of his cash in his wallet.

I’d like to think that that’s where I get my empathetic ways from. My dad. I’m always trying to put myself in someone else’s shoes. I’m always trying to fight for what’s right, to stand up for those who need help. He’s taught me to care. And not just care for the people I know. A lot of people are taught to just look out for themselves. But my dad is the opposite. He puts others before himself sometimes, all the while looking out for his family and those around him. But at the same time, teaching us to look between the lines and look past some people’s alternate motives.

Every Father’s Day we ask my dad what he wants for a gift. “Nothing.” Is his response every year my whole life. You know when someone says “nothing” but you know they’re lowkey expecting something? Yeah. That ain’t the case. When my dad says “nothing” he legit means don’t get him anything. But of course we still get him gifts.

To our driver, social justice warrior, unproblematic, Prince-loving-mother-trucker, “despacito” singing, “K” replying father – Happy Father’s Day! We appreciate and love you, and we can’t imagine this life without you! Cue in the ugly faces and “ya ya ya okkkkk” since we all can’t show proper affection 🥴💘.

Mother’s Day 2020

“You’re exactly like your mom.”

“You’re mom’s twin.”

“You act just like mom.”

Growing up I would retaliate with “noooo!” being that I wanted to be my own person. But now that I’m older, I realize now that I am definitely my mother’s child.

I’m proud to say that I’m the outspoken woman that I am because of my mom. Growing up, she always taught my sisters and I to stand up for ourselves, speak up, and never let anyone fuck with you. She hates to admit it, but our smart mouths and witty responses are all thanks to her. We just all turned out to be her mini me’s.

Mother’s Day 2020 looked really different this year. Usually, we flood our parents room in the morning with our gifts for our mom. Then we all get ready to make the 1 pm mass, and celebrate with a Mother’s Day lunch just us 5 after church. Around dinner time we would head to Tatay’s house where we would celebrate with all my cousins, aunts, and uncles. This has been a tradition for as long as I can remember. Due to the pandemic, we had to celebrate differently.

For starters, none of our Mother’s Day presents came in on time. The present I bought didn’t give me a tracking number for 2 weeks. I saw the ad on Instagram and should’ve read the comments first! All the comments claim that it’s a scam – no one recieved their product. I was so mad I found the real website and ordered it again. Neither came in time. And my sisters’ orders also have yet to arrive because of the pandemic back up.

None of us had gifts to give, church is closed, restaurants can’t be dined in, and we haven’t been to Tatay’s in over 2 months to protect his health – being that he’s 96. It sucked to think that Mother’s Day 2020 was going to be a flop, given that our mom deserves all that and the bag of chips.

We ended up having a takeout crab lunch at home – roasted crab, garlic noodles, chicken wings, prawns, and veggies. And of course our meals wouldn’t be complete without boba. Our mom was happy and most importantly she felt special on her day.

Its so easy to overlook the work a mother does on the daily. My mom has done her duty as a mother non-stop since my older sister was born. Her being a hardworking mom is all we know her to be, its so routine and second nature that sometimes we hardly notice how hard she works for our family.

When I was still a stressed out college student, there were many times where I wanted to just skip class and not care. My mom and dad were all I could think about. I know that all they ever wanted was for my sisters and I to get that degree. My parents have sacrificed so much for us, and that was my driving force to complete school. And honestly, everything. I dream of the day where I can pay it all back. Because they’ve always worked hard for us, never made excuses, always busted their asses.

Growing up my mom would always hit us with the infamous, “Bahala ka / Bahala ka sa buhoy mo” (Do you what you want / Do what you want with your life). This phrase is no stranger to Filipino children growing up. Its usually said in a petty, passive aggressive tone. It could have you in tears at the drop of a dime. When you hear that phrase, that’s how you know your parent is thoroughly over you 🤣. But as a mother, I know that she’ll always want what’s best for us. And hearing that phrase all my life has humbled me to choose the right path, use my head, and think of how my actions can effect my family. But also catching her bluff, knowing that my mom would never turn her back on us.

Another saying my mom would tell us growing up when we would be arguing – yes, it ain’t always rainbows and clouds over here – is the saying “You’ll know when you become a mother.” And as I grow older, I’m starting to understand more. Its true. I don’t really understand yet because I haven’t taken on the mother role and have kids of my own. But I do know that when I have kids and raise them how my parents raised me, I’ll definitely find myself repeating this phrase to them.

My mom is everything I aspire to be one day. And even though this Mother’s Day looked a little different this year due to COVID-19, it was still a celebration. We ate food, drank boba, and ended the day watching the new episode of 90 Day Fiance. In our family, we don’t share our feelings, we show it through action. My mom’s acts of service for the whole family, her selflessness, and the sacrifices she has made for her children to have a better life does not go unnoticed.

“You’re just like your mom,” is now a phrase I’ve learned to take pride in. My mom is hard working, loyal, and always putting our family first. Even though we’re all getting older, no one’s love will ever come close to a mother’s love for her 3 “prinsesas.” LOL.

To the woman that holds us all down, Happy Mother’s Day, Queen! Just like your presents – your post is late 🤪💘